Hello, my dear friends, I hope you had a nice week and all is well for you. I am really thankful to you for all your positive feedback about my other two videos «How to not Care about other people’s opinion» and «How to not worry in the Stressful situations». It is so important to distance ourselves from the other people’s opinions. We should have a healthy attitude of not caring what other people SAY or THINK about us. We will continue to discuss this subject and see how we can grow our confidence.
I promised you the third video on how to not give a sh*t about what other people think – here you have it!
Today we will talk specifically about other people’s EXPECTATIONS.
No one knows the secret of success, but there is the secret to fail – it’s to try to please everyone and fulfill everyone’s expectations.
Many of us grew up with the feeling that we need to fit in and fulfill all these expectations of other people.
“God loves me and everyone has a wonderful plan for my life” 🙂
People might have different Expectations from you:
- Expectations about your career path
- Expectations about participating in some events or activities
- Expectations about traditions
- Expectations about you helping them
- Expectations about different personal choices – you name it!
Some of these expectations are REASONABLE and some are NOT REASONABLE.
For example my wife expects me to take out the trash, or my 7 year-old daughter expects me to play with her – those are reasonable expectations. I have some responsibilities in life and other people have the full right to expect me to do them.
Today we will mainly discuss UNREASONABLE expectations, when other people cross the line, break your personal borders and expect you to do something which you don’t have to do, because it’s the area of your personal choice and personal freedom. It’s up to you to decide and other people need to learn to respect that. They might insist, but we need to be able to resist and to say NO.
However it turns out to be very hard task sometimes, we might feel obliged and it’s not so easy to say NO. Some part of us still wants to fulfill these expectations and please other people. Somewhere inside we don’t want to resist. Why is that so difficult?
There are 2 main reasons why we want to fulfill all expectations and please other people:
The first reason is because we are afraid of conflicts, we are afraid that people will be unhappy about us. We understand that if we say NO it will put us in the position of open confrontation, we will have to defend our borders, and we don’t want to fight. Most people don’t like conflicts, we don’t like all these negative emotions, we want to live in peace. But unfortunately the conflicts happen very often and we need to learn how to deal with them.
Let me explain what every conflict is about. (Invasion to your territory)
Here you are and here is the other person. There are some borders between you. This is your territory, your independence, your freedom, your rights, your interests. Sometimes the other people would cross the line, break your borders and start the invasion. They may want to take some part of your personal freedom, or of your independence, or maybe they want to take some of your interests (including financial interests).
If that happens you have 2 choices – to push the opponent back and defend your borders, or to give up that territory. There are no other choices, the invasion has already started.
If you decide that you better give up that territory to avoid the open conflict, it will give your opponent the signal that you don’t resist and don’t protect yourself, and that it is OK to break your borders. Guess what will happen next? Yes, the invasion will repeat all over again, you will loose even more territory, you will loose your independency, your opponent will become stronger and you will become weaker. People will be dominating you, because you allowed them.
The other way is to push the opponent back and protect your territory. You don’t have to do it brutally, you can do it in the very polite way, but you need to give a clear signal that you have your borders and it’s not OK to break them. Your opponent didn’t necessarily want to invade you. Maybe that person simply didn’t notice that it is your territory already, so you just need to define your borders and do it politely. And if there is more aggressive invasion – you need to push back.
The second reason why we want to fulfill other people’s expectations is because we are not the same confident with different people, and sometimes we just don’t have enough inner strength to resist.
This is huge, please read carefully – Someone can be very confident in one group of people, even can be a rockstar in that group. And the same person can be very insecure and unconfident with some other people.
Sometimes you can feel so confident, so secure, you are the hero, the superstar, you have the respect of people around you. And then you meet a person, maybe the person from the past, the dominative person, and suddenly you feel so small and so weak. If that person tells you something – you just cannot resist. You say Yes to everything and then you think «What has just happen?? Why did I allow this??».
Somewhere inside you feel that this person is stronger then you and you want to please this person, because you need his or her approval, you want that person to confirm that you are OK.
I personally hate such situations and I try to avoid them as much as I can. Not sure if there is any other way to be honest – if this person or a group of people is dominative and you feel that they are stronger then you, I would honestly keep those people on the distance. If you have other ideas – please share them in the comments, because it might be important for other people watching this video.
Lets see what are the most common UNREASONABLE expectations people might have from us.
Parents brought us up and very often they place certain expectations on us – what kind of education, what kind of job we should get, whom we need to marry, how we need to raise our kids – they already have the perfect plan for our life, and they might expect us to fulfill it.
Sometimes these expectations are so high, that it is just impossible to reach that standard. No matter what you do, you are never good enough. No matter how you try to please them, they would always tell you that it’s not what they expected. Be careful. It can be a very serious sign of manipulation.
Some parents can be very dominative and expect you to do exactly what they say. They can even manipulate and tell you that you are weak, that you are nothing, just to control you and make you do what they say. But you cannot let this happen.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are weak, even if they are your parents. Don’t let anyone break your borders, even if they are your parents.
You are stronger then other people think. Maybe they don’t believe in you, but you believe in yourself, because it’s your life. I am not talking about good parents who just care too much sometimes, because probably all parents do. I am talking about parents who tear their own children down, who try to build up their own confidence by manipulating and controlling their family.
Some parents say «I did so much for you, I sacrificed my life, my career for you, so now you must do what I say, you must listen to me». NO, that’s totally wrong. The fact that your parents brought you up and cared about you doesn’t give them the right to control you when you are adult. Don’t allow them to manipulate you and don’t feel guilty. Give them respect, help them when they need help, but don’t allow them to treat you as their property.
For our parents we are still children.
Even good parents sometimes cross the borders without permission, right? Because for them we are still children, and they still tend to think that we are not going to make it without their help. That’s why they expect us to follow them and do what they think is right. The problem with our parents is that their plans and expectations are based on their interpretation of their life experience. And the world is changing very quickly, so their experience might be not relevant today. (I was born in Soviet Union, I know that very well).
Or you may just not want to repeat your parents path, you don’t want to do the same mistakes your parents did – you want to find your own way. I believe the main thing our parents need to teach us is to use our own brain, make our own best decisions and take full responsibility about our lives. Our parents need to teach us how to be confident. We cannot just do what someone else tells us to, or expects us to do. I need to think with my own head, because it’s my life, not my parents’ life. They have their life and they make their choices. I also have my life and I have full right to make my own decisions.
Your parents’ task was to prepare you for this moment, but now when you grew up, and you are adult – it’s your journey, you need to decide how you will spend this life and what you will do. They need to step back. Sometimes we need to kindly let them know about this, with full respect and thankfulness for everything they did for us. But still – our borders are our borders.
Old friends expectations – they expect old version of you
Another very common kind of expectations is when you meet people from your past, maybe some folks from your high school, maybe ex girlfriend or boyfriend, maybe colleagues from 10 years ago. And they start to treat you based on what they remember from the past. They think they know you and expect the old version of you. The problem is that you have changed. Maybe you were weak or immature in the past, or made some mistakes, and these folks think you are still the same person. They are wrong!
That old version of you was not even you, because it was temporary, you were changing, growing, learning, developing. They remember you in the middle of that process. Now you are much stronger, much wiser. You are different. These expectations of the folks from the past just don’t have any ground, so don’t take them close. But you also need to know that it’s hard to change the mind of the friends from the past. Don’t get caught into this trap of trying to prove them something. You don’t have to prove anything, you are a different person, their expectations are wrong. Period.
Society’s expectations – just be like everyone else, don’t be different
Society also places some expectations on you. It expects you to be just like everybody else, and not to be different. If everyone works on the factory – you need to work on the factory too. Everyone wears suits – you need to wear suits. All your colleagues go to the bar after work, and they expect you to do the same, to be like everyone else.
But you might have different priorities, different interests, different hobbies. If it’s not part of your responsibilities – then you just don’t have to do that. They do what is important to them, and you need to do what is important to you. If you want to make a difference, you should not be afraid of being unique. If you check the stories of famous people who changed the history – I guess all of them were different. Other people expected them to be like everybody else, but they refused and changed the world. They were bold enough to make a different choice and do what they believed was right. They were not trying to please everyone.
If other people place unreasonable expectations on you, you should also be bold enough to say NO, make your personal choice and do what you believe is right. Stay strong, protect your borders and do not allow anyone to control your life in the negative way. Love your family and friends, respect them and care about them.
I hope you enjoyed this video, smash that like button, subscribe to my Youtube channel and ring the bell to turn on the notifications. Let me know what you think in the comments, have a great week and see you soon!